What happened today was just the beginning

how predictable!

2004-07-06T02:08:58Z

ugh, I got a new livejournal.

shut up, it's not like you didn't see it coming,

you bastards.

nowliexinit

you know that old saying, about how you only hurt the ones you love...

2004-06-24T06:31:52Z

I remember back in the early days of highschool when I hung out with all cutters that I used to think their reasons for it were pretty stupid; oh their parents didn't like them and they didn't fit in, big deal, get over it. Sooner or later, when I started cutting myself, I used to think I was so fucking smart, I had it all figured out, I only did it because my life was so hard and nothing ever worked out and it was such an existential tragedy to be me. I was a fucking asshole. Thankfully I escaped that phase of my life with a bare minimum of physical scars, but everything that happens in your life drags itself across your mind and it becomes part of who you are.

I can probably track it down in my life, as I'm sure everyone else can, just what has convinced you that your life is just that much harder and more meaningful or profound or tragic than anyone elses. We all do, well, most of as at least, there are a lucky few that can just accept their lives as they are and truly don't need to prove anything to anyone else, but they are few and far between. Most of us will always see ourselves as the one being done wrong in a situation, and we become blinded to how our actions are affecting the people around us. We're too busy trying to blame them for the collapse of every ideal we chose to force upon them, since being done wrong so many times, we al know how everything should really run.

The important thing to realize here is that people don't hurt people, people hurt each other. Yes, other people will hurt you, but you have to always remember to step back and try to realize how your actions are making them feel. As much as anything in your life has ever hurt, it doesn't hurt as much as realizing how much harm you've done to someone you care about while you were too busy blaming them for everything to notice.

Some lessons you just learn the hard way.

Every once and a while you figure something out that just changes everything.

This journal is over.

dear everything, fuck this and fuck you.

2004-06-23T03:17:24Z

There's so much bullshit in my life and I'm going to vent it out right now then never mention anything ever again because at least half the people who are going to read this are fairweather assholes who make me fucking sick. and I'm not asking for anyone to reply to this with the usual fucking bullshit, pretend to care sympathies, because I don't need it and I don't want it, hollow or not, I just need a place to write something out and this is the only place I'm used to writing. You've been warned.

I feel like I've completely lost any idea of who I am. I don't care about school anymore, and that was the big thing that kept me going when I first moved to Ottawa; it was so exciting and I was so into everything. Now I just fucking sleep through summer school, and its my damn concentration courses I'm doing so its supposed to be what I really care about, but I don't give a shit, it's all too easy to understand and too hard to get a good mark from shithead TAs. Everything was thought out by some jackass human, so nothing is ever going to be too novel or difficult to understand; let alone intersting. Nothing challenges me anymore. Everything can be solved and that's not a challenge, that's just a gurantee that you're going to waste some time. I've lost touch with so many friends from home. There are some that fuck it, it happens, and I'll get over it. There are a few who it's better to lose, to just cut it off, because I was on the losing end of an unhealthy relationship, but there are a lot who meant a lot to me in my life and now they are nowhere and I don't know what to do. I cry when I'm left alone lately, there are huge gaps in my life, everything you've learned about life feels hollow without the people you learned it with being there with you.

Again, when I first moved here, it was so exciting to meet new people, but so many have turned out to be shallow, pathetic and boring. You make me fucking sick. I'd say it's an issue of priorities but a lot of people don't seem to have any at all. You are all trapped in your quiet, safe, pointless rebellion and you will never escape your empty lives. And move out of your parents houses if you want to pretend to be adults. The people I met who I did like have all gone home for the summer or I just never see them. I don't think I even really want to even live with the people I'll be living with in September. How long can people brag and brag and brag about their lives, they already know what the fuck happened, what the fucking punchline is, are they just that fucking proud or do they really think it's that interesting. Don't call me on hypocricy here, I warned you, and this isn't an everyday conversation. I also like how everyone else on the planet can do something, but it's never good enough for you, but as soon as you do it, it's fucking perfect and amazing and fucking heaven-sent. You are nothing special, deal with it and stop judging me.

I fucking hate my job. I did it for 2 and a half years back home and you'd think I'd have learned then that I can't do it; I don't have to use my brain and that fucking kills a little piece of me every day. I hate being congratulated and praised when I think of the shittiest little ideas to make work easier; it belittles my abilities. Yes I am saying it straight up, I am better than retail, but if I have to do it, it'd be nice if they wouldn't alternate between treating me like a genius and like a little kid.

More than anything I think about moving home, but I know there is nothing left there. I've lost touch with everything I loved there. I daydream all day about people who I know read this and would never ever think I daydream about them as much as I do. I hate losing people. I can't take it much longer, when I know I could still concievably save some relationships. As much as I romanticise home though, I was always on the outside there; for as many times as you all claimed to want me you'd just as easily turn me away. You know that I loved you and I was there for you, and you took advantage, but I was never was good enough for you until it was too late, and I can't come back when I have no proof that anything beyond distance makes your hearts grow fonder.

I also miss my mother, or maybe I just feel guilty. I just wish I could be there for her sometimes. All I get is phone calls from her about things that go wrong, and all I can offer is confidence, which isn't worth a lot in the bank at the end of the day, in metaphor or not. I've also pretty much abandoned my relationship with my father, and he's finally started to make an effort to get it back. Well I'm fucking sorry it hurt so much when I ignored father's day, maybe it hurt as much as all those times you let my sister trick you into fucking beating me up. Fuck you, you are legally obligated to pay for my education, and after that I won't need you anymore and will be able to finally tell you the fucking truth about how I feel.

Fuck Ottawa, fuck everything. This is all pointless and boring. I just want to sleep forever and wake up next to someone, to at least feel like there was something solid and anchoring in my life, where I could turn away for a while and not have it disappear behind my back, but that's not going to happen anytime soon. 'throw it all away' is a motto that seems more and more enticing every day.

the last open arms show is tomorrow at club saw, 7pm, $8. we're playing third.
come, if you wan't, it doesn't matter, it's always been for us anyways. i will sing my fucking guts out on the floor then stamp on them and be done with it and everyone can be happy and continue judging without creating themselves.

justanotherwar @ 2004-06-15T01:55:00

2004-06-15T05:55:52Z

Thanks to everyone who came out to my birthday, appreciated like you wouldn't believe.

"Champagne for my real friends, real pain for my sham friends"

BIRTHDAY PARTY

2004-06-13T21:14:03Z

How does 8pm at Golden River on Sommerset sound to everybody?

POST UP

PLEASE AND I'll LOVE YOU

justanotherwar @ 2004-06-12T00:47:00

2004-06-12T04:48:38Z

HEY-YO

CHECK OUT THIS MP3 FROM OPEN ARMS' EP - CLEAN UP OR DIE

'confessions of an 'edge kid'

PLEASE AND THANKS

LAST MINUTE PLANS

2004-06-10T20:19:24Z

Anyone want to eat at Govindas with me at 6 pm tonight?

Message up by 5:30
or
msn: meursault_outside@hotmail.com

HEY HEY

2004-06-10T01:44:11Z

Re-recording vocals went AWESOME. The cd is going to be good. I've just finished most of the layout, everything is coming into place.

I work a lot, that's why I don't update, but when I do it will be filled with awesome/horrible customer stories.

OH, SO, it's my 20th birthday on Monday, oh god. I really wish I could go home, since I've never spent a birthday without a bunch of sweet kids from London, but it's just not going to work, THEREFORE:

MONDAY JUNE 14TH, WHO WANTS TO GO OUT TO DINNER/HANG OUT/MAYBE DO SOMETHING ELSE IN HONOR OF ME NOT BEING A TEENAGER ANYMORE?

It'll be great, I'll promise never to do anything teenage again (except teenagers).

SO GET IN TOUCH/POST UP IF YOUR IN

And someone better buy me some shirly fucking temples.

justanotherwar @ 2004-06-07T14:41:00

2004-06-07T18:42:13Z

Strangest thing to ever open a package to.

Sandra Byles you are awesome.

I'm going to cuddle with this guy right away.

Man, I hope this song is about a wife-beating race

2004-05-29T05:10:48Z

Today has been pretty awesome, I gotta say, fuck. Cheered me the fuck up. I love a lot of people right now.

My guitar is covered in sexual lubricant & blood.

I realize that must sound pretty fucked up, but I think it's funnier amibiguous.
Also, a video of this was made.

if you're not gonna ride the rocket...then get the fuck off

2004-05-28T03:46:12Z

So, based on two-week averages + another two weeks estimation of my weekly activities expressed as a percentange of total hours in a week, I created this graph:

Well.
That's that.
I'm killing myself.

I'm thinking of not going back to Carleton, it'd be feasible, if I could find someone to take over my share of the lease come September, hmmm, anyone?

DUCKS

2004-05-27T04:50:58Z

I'm too lazy to talk about this. Basically: roomate found baby ducks without a mother, we took them in for a night.

Fuck

2004-05-25T16:45:30Z

My computer fucked up and I lost absolutely everything on my hard drive.

Fuck.

Does anyone have copies of Microsoft Office or Photoshop they can hook me up with?

roadtrip

2004-05-23T23:56:28Z

ROAD TRIP ! ! !

WE STOPPED AT EVERY SINGLE FUCKING STOP, MMM JUNK FOOD

Those are all porn star's signatures! I thought it was a family restaurant...

Toots goes for some food

Just in case he wasn't farting enough, Toots gets some more beans in him.

Arcade Crew in effect

Dan's fucking cruel for a vegetarian, good thing he's got shit aim

Jerome shows us how it is in his hood

Juice shed raid: like racoons in the garbage

Fat dirty pigeons, welcome to Hammer Town

WATCH OUT WHEN YOU CROSS THE STREET

Dan takes the worst hardcore has to offer like a man

613 Hangout in Toronto

Nate shows off his exquisite culinary abilities - pizza sandwich

Marguax cuddles with the gay dog

Curls & Jerome

what happens when you lose your tunnels in the pit

Andrew tries to sneak a Veg-break

Dan and Nate show off the merch - because the merch is clean

Just like a rose ripped from its root

2004-05-23T20:35:26Z

The worst part about roadtrips is coming back home to your life.

update + pics later tonight.

justanotherwar @ 2004-05-19T22:00:00

2004-05-20T02:01:34Z

Tonights dinner: a can of corn, microwaved in hoisin sauce.

Gawd I love living alone.

justanotherwar @ 2004-05-17T10:58:00

2004-05-17T15:03:49Z

I think my life is pretty cool and exciting, but I can't think of a way to make that interesting to any of you, so I'll just point out some useful stuff:

I have summer school starting tonight, 6-9, wednesdays too, so, yeah, don't call me then.

My first shift at Sears is Thursday, then after that monday, wednesday, and friday,

THATS RIGHT BOYS, THEY TRIED TO GET ME TO WORK THIS WEEKEND AND I SAID, NO, MAYFEST IS IN FULL EFFECT.

ALSO, I get to go to a dentist today, yeah for sounding charming and desparate on the phone. DRILL MY TOOTH OUT YOU FUCKER.

Ah, yeah, that's about it.

My new room is fucking cool
My friends are fucking cool
My girl is fucking cool
My horrible dental pain is fucking cool

And other than the dental pain, you know you want my life

It's spring, I got a girl who loves me, and the hydro bill hasn't come yet, this is the life

Yep, I'm good

2004-05-14T21:18:13Z

Job interview: 2pm

Job offer: 5pm

Oh yeah.

Sears Rideau Center
Product Knowledge Specialist - Home Electronics
$10.48/hour

justanotherwar @ 2004-05-13T02:19:00

2004-05-13T06:21:29Z

Thanks to everyone who came out to help me unpack tonight, you saved my life, I was so exhausted. You're all awesome people and I love you, even the girls who just stood there and looked pretty.

Tomorrow is assembling furniture all day, my bed however, is made, and I'm sleeping in.

man, all these heart-breaking goodbyes are making me thirsty

2004-05-12T01:37:12Z

I'm heading back to Ottawa tomorrow. Should be back between 8 and 9. Anyone who is ~~crazy~~ nice should randomly show up at my house between 8 and 9 to help unpack the U-Haul.

This is way too much like last August when I moved in the first place.

Sorry to everyone with whom I'll have to cancel plans with thanks to my father's sketchiness and changing moving day 4 times.

To the London kids: love you all, I'll be back soon.

justanotherwar @ 2004-05-11T13:02:00

2004-05-11T17:03:12Z

Man, self hair cutting is the best idea ever.

progress...

2004-05-09T18:15:18Z

justanotherwar @ 2004-05-08T20:27:00

2004-05-09T00:28:16Z

You know it's going to be a fun afternoon when your tattoo artist shows you the new shader she made with 11 fucking needles on it.

That was fun.

Pics tomorrow.

justanotherwar @ 2004-05-08T00:29:00

2004-05-08T04:44:55Z

It seems there's something genetic passed down by drop-out dads to their sons,
where they can't accept their lives as anything more than a transition period before it all really starts.

And it's true. Not yet, because it's never enough, and I don't know if it ever will be.

justanotherwar @ 2004-05-07T18:47:00

2004-05-07T22:49:25Z

FUCK

So Sears called back and left a message saying the interview is Friday at 2, but I don't have a contact number to get in touch with whoever I need to get in touch with.

It's looking a lot like I'm coming back to Ottawa without any of my stuff.